Well folks, I have officially completed the first month of my 120-day challenge! I am 10 pounds lighter (only 25 more to go!), constantly yanking my pants back up, and I have learned so much about myself.

I know that you’ve read about some of my struggle in the last 30 days. I have learned that I have trouble with discipline, social pressure, not letting go, and realizing that this whole thing is not really about the food.

I am a firm believer that I am where I am, right in this moment, because I have refused to be honest with myself.

I have not accepted that I need to be responsible for my own actions.

I am here only because I chose to be here.

That’s right.

Weird huh? I would guess that some of you might disagree with me, but I urge to realize what I’m saying.

I didn’t get to be overweight because I have a medical condition, or because I have bad genes. I got here because I chose to not deal with deeper issues and because I didn’t want to say no. I didn’t want the discipline. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to not feel the pressure of my peers as we went to restaurants. I wanted to “enjoy life”. I wanted to “live”.  All the while…I was adding on the pounds and hating myself in the process.

If you were to ask my husband, he would tell you that I am a wildly independent person who won’t be told what to do or how to live. I make choices for myself and I don’t like to be bullied into them. But somehow I am here. Somehow I caved in to the pressures and the stigmas and the stereotypes, wanting to feel “normal” and be accepted, only to feel a hatred of the person I was staring at in the mirror.

I chose this.

I have no one to blame but me.

No excuses.

And now that I have realized this, I can move forward.

This is not an easy thing to admit or even talk about. I am really putting myself out there and accepting with it the fact that everyone knows one of my dirty little secrets. My dirty little secret about how I see myself and how I got to this place. But I know that I can’t change unless I learn to accept it for what it is, and let it go.

I have learned that I eat when I’m bored, when I’m stressed, when I’m angry, and when I’m sad. Not shocking since most of us do this and are fully aware. I found myself standing in my kitchen on more than one occasion wondering why I was there and what I was looking for. I’m pretty sure my son thought I was creating a new game every time I opened, closed, opened, and closed the fridge in a matter of 5 minutes.

I learned that when I eat better, I have more energy and I sleep well. I have more ability to be clear-headed and present with my son and in my work. I even found myself getting to my 7th day (the almighty cheat day!), and dreading it…wishing for it to be over so I could go back to feeling amazing.

Weird.

I wish I could say that at the end of 30 days, that I don’t care what people think anymore, but that isn’t the case. I still care because I want to be liked and I want to be loved. I don’t, however, feel afraid to admit the scary things. I will continue to be honest about not just my wins, but my shortcomings. I will continue to struggle, but I have a fresh sense of motivation, and a clear path in front of me.

I hope that I inspire you. I hope that I encourage you. I hope that you have found a way to peer deeper into your soul.

Now…let’s get back to work.

 

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