10 weeks are all that remain of my pregnancy with you. Seems like an eternity, but I know that it will be over in the blink of an eye. But, I have a confession to make, and I figured that this was the best place to make it.
I spent the first part of my pregnancy with you completely terrified of having a girl.
Yup. Sounds ridiculous, I know. But it’s true.
When the ultrasound tech made the announcement that we were having a girl, I felt a terror wash over me that I never anticipated. Flashes of my own childhood hit replay in my mind, and I knew that if you were anything like I had been, your daddy and I were going to be in for a wild ride. I rode home with my hands clenched as I thought about how manipulative I was, how mean girls can be, how I struggled to believe that I was worth something, and how I defiant I became. I thought of the nights I laid in my bed and wondered if I was ever going to be enough and if what so-and-so had said about me was true. I thought of the tears that came with a broken heart from failed relationships. I thought of standing to my side in front of the mirror and wondering if I should skip eating again because I could be a little thinner. I thought of hateful words I spewed behind the backs of my friends. I thought of all of the dark places I ran to in an attempt to make men love me.
When I thought about it, what I was really terrified of was that you would find yourself in all of those same places I had. I was afraid you would be me.
But you are not me. You haven’t even gotten here yet! You may encounter many of the same things, feel many of the same emotions, and struggle with the same issues, but that has nothing to do with being me and everything to do with being a part of a broken, hateful world who will tell you lie, after lie, after lie. It’s my job as your mom and as someone who loves you more than life itself to encourage you, defend you, and teach you the truth. When I realized this, I realized that having you will be one of the best things that God could give me. He believes I can do it, therefore I believe that I can do it. Having kids (boy or girl) is hard no matter what, and I have accepted the challenge willingly.
Every day since we found out that we were pregnant with you, you have been prayed for by many people. Since we gave you your name, you have been prayed for by name. I know that I have begged God on your behalf to give you strength, confidence, and a sweet spirit. I am no longer afraid of raising you, but instead, I look forward to watching you grow and come into your own. You will be surrounded by people who will be fiercely protective of you, but want to encourage a free spirit in you. And you are not me.
I have no more fear of bringing a baby girl into this world. I have only excitement and joy for you. My hope for you is that you feel a tremendous overflow of confidence in yourself and in your abilities. You have the opportunity to be anything that you wish. Don’t believe the lies that the world will sling at you. You are beautiful, important, worthy, and strong. Dream big and often and know that you are surrounded by people who want to see those dreams come true for you.
I can’t wait until the day that you get here. The moment where I will get to peer into your sweet face and hold onto the tiny hands and feet that have been assaulting my insides for weeks. 🙂 I can already sense your strong will and independent spirit and it’s so exciting! I can’t wait to watch your brother shower you with kisses and hugs as he shows you all of his cars. I can’t wait to see your daddy hold you for the first time…and you steal his heart.
Just 10 more weeks…