I had no idea.
I had no idea before you were born that I would have space in my heart to love you as much as I love your brother. I had no idea that when I saw you for the first time that I would be so utterly overwhelmed by how amazing you are. I had no idea that I would love you with such a deep affection that it would make my eyes fill with tears as my heart overflowed.
I had no idea.
For so many months before you arrived, I was afraid. I was afraid that I wasn’t fit to be a mother to a daughter. I was fearful that I would fail. That I would mess you up and push you down a similarly destructive path as my own. Little did I know that you would fill a void that I never knew needed filling.
Yes baby girl…you fill a void inside of me.
The void has been there for some time, and it has been easy to miss all these years because I didn’t realize that the void was for you. I’ve spent years working through my own issues of identity, securities and insecurities, failure, only to find myself still working through the fear and bitterness that was left in its’ place. It’s been a lifelong battle, and because of all of those feelings, I told myself all the time that I hoped that when I had children, I would have boys because being a girl is just too difficult.
Then there was you. Like I said, I was afraid. Not afraid of you, but afraid for you. I didn’t want you to be sucked into the same traps that I did, and in all seriousness, being a female in today’s culture is wicked hard! You are scrutinized, analyzed, looked-over, and criticized from the get-go. This world will chew you up and spit you out without blinking an eye, and I didn’t want that to happen. But there you were…a little blip on a monitor with a heart beating loud and clear.
As you grew, I would worry. I would worry about the future…your future. But then you would kick and punch and flip for what seemed like hours. All the while, I would think about you and pray for every obstacle that I thought you would have to tackle in your life. I prayed that you would be confident in your image and in your abilities. I prayed that you would feel secure in who you are. I prayed that you would not find your identity in other people…especially in men. I prayed that you be wild and free and feel the wind in your hair. I prayed that you would be tough and gentle. I prayed that you would find a man that would cherish you and hold your heart gently in their hands.
And you know what?
As I prayed for you, I forgave myself. I let go of the past I’ve been carrying with me all these years piece by piece. The void that was left by that past was filled with you. It was filled with hope. It was filled with freedom. It was filled with joy. And I’m excited to walk this journey with you! I know that we will have our moments, but I have every intention of teaching you from the moment you enter this world that you are beautiful, special, and loved beyond measure. You can be anything, do anything, go anywhere. You dad and I are your biggest fans and will do everything we can to help you reach your goals and dream big.
So, sweet baby, as I sit and rock you and gaze into your innocent, sleeping face, know that you complete me. I love you deeply and pray that these moments between us are never lost.